60. Love is like Bigfoot

Why is it so impossible for you to realize that I might be in love?

Because, uh… love is like Bigfoot. It’s a myth people like to believe in. It turns out to be bullshit when held up to scientific scrutiny.

This gonna be one of your long ones?

Love is a con women came up with trying to explain the chemical reaction in men’s brains that make us physiologically unable to stay with them forever. Men and women’s brains are different. Perfect example… I’m banging a chick, I deliver the payload. What happens? Roll over and fall asleep. Why?

Bourbon and Quaaludes?

Wrong. See, men’s brain shoots him a natural tranquilizer when he gets off. Tryptophan. Sedative. You can’t help but roll over and fall asleep. Chicks hate us for it anyway, because they’re the exact opposite. When they come… They wanna chit-chat, cuddle, Feng-shui the goddamn living room, why? Oxytocin.

Oxytocin?

Oxytocin. It’s a bonding chemical. It’s a natural stimulant. Gets them high as a Japanese kite. You know what the fucked-up part is? The longer they stay with the same guy, the more secure they feel. The more secure, the more the brain squirts. The more the brain squirts, the more of a habit they have. It’s nature’s way of getting chicks hooked on their own snatch smack.

When did Hustler add a science section?

Love is just a chick’s menstrual hallucination brought on by tragic side-effects from natural selection. And that is why you are not now, nor will you ever be in love. It’s Bigfoot.

Bigfoot, uh? Thanks, I’ll keep it in mind.